When the music fades...

The story is always the same. Maybe the turmoil in one's mind never changes if circumstances never change and the "what if"s in life remain something to ponder. two episodes ago you may recall my clever graphs depicting my relationship with God as I percieve it. I can be totally off in the results but I think I base things more on feeling.

Now, I'm not about to negate the premise "You can't base your relationship with God how you feel", but I want to approach that a little differently. We need to be aware that we are created emotional beings. So, if I have been feeling a certain way as a result of my experience or lack thereof with God, it is probably a good indicator that something is missing.

Tonight, we talked about desire in church. Yes, we "talked" about it. We dialogued about it. We didn't listen to a monologue, we participated, which is helpful I think. The main thrust of what we were talking about is desire. Now, for those of us who experienced Christ at a later juncture in life we can most likely agree that there was a certain desire to get to know this God who loves us even more. You know, I couldn't get enough... at first. Now... I have also alluded to this in former posts, but I don't know if my attitude changed, or if Bible college sapped me, or if I hung out with Christians or in a Christian environment too long, but there is a certain dryness. It's kinda like when you scratch your arm or rub your skin too long and it goes numb... it's kind of like my soul and my psyche have been abraised too much and too long by godly things in a concentrated way that I have become numb. maybe I have sinned too much and I am now indifferent. But if that were the case, then God's grace can only save me to certain extent, so it can't be that. After writing all this, I think I talk too much about how I feel empty or dry or purposeless. It can get old. Maybe I need to try various disciplines. I don't know.

The main point I was going to get at is that I alomst think I would like to do something in "Christian ministry" afterall. But coupled with my sense of purposelessness I daresay that I may be seeking something in hopes of it abating my empty feeling because I'm being used. But, I am not useless, in fact, I know that I am an immense help to my orthopedically imapired students at school. I love them and I have learned a different aspect of life as a result.

So, is it fruitless to pursue that joy I once knew? Probably. Maybe my synapses have been damaged by former stresses and I won't again enjoy a certain divine euphoria as it were. To pursue feelings is fruitless. It is exactly what drug users and alcoholics and the emotionally deprived that jump from relationship to relationship are looking for: a familiar feeling that pleases the senses... but only for a time until the fix or jump.

The pursiut of God. What does that look like? Is it found in the rote morning prayers that you say only to put it on a checklist? I don't feel like I can adequately speak to God that time of morning because it will all sound the same, with phrases like "Bless my day" and "may it go fast" etc, etc. Brainless spirituality. Scripture... I've read it before a few times through. Sometimes I feel like it didn't do anything for me.

Here's the problem. We get caught up with what can be done for me. I saw somewhere recently "God is so good. He answers prayer." Would God still be good if He DID NOT answer prayer? Of course He would. So I have essentially babbled about how I feel and my thoughts and what I don't like blah blah blah. All that came down to was my own experiences and my own tastes not being satiated. God is so much bigger, vast, profound, and mysterious than we can really know right now. He is so much more three-dimensional than our two-dimensional perceptions of Him tend to be.

Even when I'm playing music and I feel down because people asked if I need a tuner or if people ask me to turn down my amp it doesn't matter. It matters about as much as when I enjoy music. When it comes down to it, when the music fades the proper response is to follow. And it will never turn out how we expect it.